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If you’ve met me, you know that I am hardwired to be a “Type A” personality. I can’t deny this, make excuses for it or in some cases, control it. But I would like to think that in the last few years I’ve learned to channel it into the proper places.
This came up the other day with a friend/client. She walked into her duet and was literally vibrating with anxiety. She was hours away from leaving on a much deserved vacation and as she left for her lunchtime Pilates , she sent some material to one of her team leaders for review. She was not pleased with the material she sent – didn’t feel it was up to her standard (read: perfect). She insisted that she would be back to hang out on the floor for the afternoon because she was going “to be fired” when she returned to the office.
Your background information is that she’s been with this company for 15 years, is a superstar and takes her job rather seriously. She was not “about to be fired,” but she could not accept that she could possibly offer anything but perfection without dire consequences.
After talking her off the ledge – well, to be honest – teasing her off the ledge, she got into the work and let go of her tension and angst. I was able to tease her and harass her and get her out of her head because I am her. Yes – we crazy perfectionist Type A’s can recognize each other from across a room.
The interesting thing about a perfectionist of this variety is that he/she doesn’t expect nearly as much of anyone else. And that ends up being part of the problem. You see, if you are the only one who has to be perfect, if you expect 100 times more from yourself than you do from anyone else, nobody can disappoint you, nobody has to be held to your standard and of course, you are always on the edge of never being good enough. It sounds like a problem because it is!
Now the woman in question – as many of us do with age and experience – only goes to this crazy place on occasion and primarily attaches it to her work performance. She’s a great mother who isn’t a nutty mother. She has a solid and really healthy relationship with her husband and mother. She is a good friend to her friends and has learned to not attract “takers” and instead put her time into reciprocal friendships. But she still on occasion has a moment or hour or day where she is that nutty new college grad who thinks they will be fired every day!
How do we go from perfectly sane, well-balanced adults to crazy irrational perfectionists? I think part of it is that we let pressure build. We all have insecurities – about our jobs, our relationships, our bodies. We all have those little nagging doubts that we aren’t good enough in some part of our life – we aren’t perfect. And as ridiculous as that sounds – it’s true. I affectionately think of it as part of “my crazy.” You know, the things about me that are completely nuts.
So how do I deal with this? How do you deal with it? Well, be aware of the signals that you are going to your nutty place. When you are feeling “not enough” in any way, stop and think through the situation. Bounce it off a friend or tell it to yourself out loud. If you are expecting a super-human performance from yourself, take a breath. Call a friend who gets you, loves you and accepts you for exactly who you are – crazy and all! And then find a way to use your body and get out of your head. And if using your body is the perfectionist crazy part – find an activity that won’t allow for competition – even with yourself. Swing on the swings, run and play in the waves, climb on a jungle gym, skip!
One of my go-to people said something really big to me this week, she said, “your real treat is your honesty and inability to be anything but truthful. And who cares if you….don’t you even apologize for it for one second. You are completely human and more importantly…you ALLOW yourself to be human.” Talk about someone who loves me – warts and all! But the point is – allow yourself to be imperfect on occasion – it’s liberating, it’s who you are, and honestly, you’ll have greater success in every part of your life with some of that pressure off.
It’s 3:11 am on a Tuesday as I awake from a few hours of sleep to write this. My, it’s been a tumultuous ten days.
Within that time, I’ve taken some blows – to my ego and heart, to my finances, and finally to my poor little body. Let me explain.
We’ll start with the 1-2 punch to the heart and ego (without too much detail). Somehow, against my better judgment, I was literally and figuratively swept off my feet. Surprised but inspired to live in the moment and simply see what an open heart would bring, I was first knocked off my feet by a lovely man who I have tremendous fondness and respect for, and then dropped on my ass as he came to his senses and yanked both his friendship and the promise of more. Ouch.
The second blow came as a string of events unfolded to make it physically or situationally impossible for six different clients to continue taking Pilates. All of this was closely followed by the revelation that the thousands of dollars worth of services I donated to a local charity (which they sold to sponsors for cash) can’t be written off on my taxes. Eeek!
Finally, I was literally knocked down by a combination of dog owner on a wireless phone and dog on a retractable leash. Left face down on the cement on the corner of 10th and Humboldt Streets, I hobbled home. Within hours my swollen ankle and foot were shockingly black and it seems parts and pieces were left fractured. This not only had me pinging back and forth between tears and nausea by the drive home from classes the next afternoon, but has since also removed one of my best coping mechanisms for the first two blows – the chance to get out in the fresh air and burn off my stress with my daily four mile walk. Cripes!
You can imagine how much fun I’ve been to be near since.
In the midst of a bit of a pity party and a feeling of how alone and completely on my own I am on this planet – my “people” really stepped up to the plate. Girlfriends came running with Advil, ice packs, acupuncture, shoulders to cry on, offers of grocery shopping and to collect me for everything from lunch to a class of wine. One who even went on an errand right out of a John Hughes movie (bless you Char!). My guy friends hugged me, offered to get me drunk, to punch anyone I chose “in the head,” and of course told me I’m the best thing since sliced bread and any man would be nuts not to be crazy for me. They also offered to run said woman with leash down if I could describe her and to carry me up and down stairs – if you haven’t been over in the last four years – I seem to only live in third floor walk-ups.
In other words, although I had blow after blow after blow last week – although there’s nothing anyone but me can fix or deal with (making me highly aware of my lack of partner both in life and in business), I found myself counting my blessings louder and more often than I found myself crying over the spills and spilled milk.
It seems that in spite of my financial situation, love life, or ability to use both feet, I am a very lucky woman who is in the midst of the most abundant life.
Is my ego still bruised? Getting better — but sure, a tiny bit. Am I still in a full financial panic mode? Oh yeah, but maybe this is what will finally drive the business to the next level. And is my foot still black and that life saving cardio out of the question? You bet. But it will heal and I will survive and in the meantime – there is always more Pilates to be done.
So what can you possibly get from this? Maybe this…Even I get knocked down (sometimes literally) and it hurts – but the hurt will heal and the love, affection and support from the rally of friends and clients will remain long after the bruises are but an old blog post.
Next time you are brought to your knees – let your extended support system pick you up and when they need it – return the favor. And by all means, beware of dog owners with retractable leashes!
I used to be someone who couldn’t live in the moment. Someone who felt the need to plan, analyze and fret over everything. I was the queen of “sweating the small stuff” and I practically had a conniption over the big stuff! I was so wrapped up in things that didn’t matter or were out of my control that I couldn’t get out of my own way and just be happy. Know anyone like that?
Everything was a struggle in those days. I don’t know if it was lots of therapy (with a professional and on my own), actually living through some big stuff and coming out on the other side, or simply deciding to let myself be happy – but somewhere along the way I just let go.
Living in the moment to me is not about being stupid or irresponsible or without hopes, goals or plans – it’s about allowing myself to be happy with what is in front of me today. It’s about finding joy and laughter in every day. And finally, it’s about recognizing a “gift horse” when one drops at my feet.
Have you ever noticed how some of the most incredible things in life are unexpected? We go through our days/weeks/months with a game plan. We have our daily routines, we have tasks and jobs and a plan to follow – and then out of the blue an old friend rings the doorbell or a last minute invitation pops up and suddenly – we have some great experience or adventure or even just moment and without realizing it – unexpected joy is bubbling up inside us!
In the old days I was frequently described as “driven.” I shudder to remember that I thought that was a compliment at the time! I don’t know if you’ve ever known anyone who is “driven” but they are difficult people to be around at best. They are tunnel-visioned, lack flexibility and sometimes are painfully critical and stringent – especially when it comes to judging and “managing” themselves. I was all those things and more. In my eyes, I never worked hard enough, gave enough to friends or family, was smart or successful enough, and certainly not thin enough. I beat myself up if I ate the “wrong” thing or didn’t get to the gym enough times that week. I was also always worried about what other people thought of me. I judged myself against everyone and everything and always came up lacking. Yeek! No wonder I couldn’t be happy.
My clients are really hard working people. They all are huge successes in life – they do well in their careers and they manage families, interesting hobbies and so many other things with grace. But sometimes I start working with someone who I can see is struggling with his/her body and wellness. So I begin by telling them the rules – one of which is that they aren’t allowed to say mean things about themselves in front of me. Usually nervous laughter follows that statement – but it’s interesting how many times in the beginning I may have to invoke the rule. This then extends to their expression that they should “get it” or stop using their shoulders and necks for everything. They want and expect perfection from themselves and instead of recognizing that 1) they show up and 2) they are doing things they weren’t strong enough to do the time before, they focus on what they don’t have/can’t do.
My job is certainly to work on the things that need to be improved – but I am also there to keep them going – to keep them in the moment and focused on that one exercise or repetition. I am often heard cueing a client to “make it smaller” – and maybe in life that’s what we need to do. To slow down, to focus on what is here now – the opportunities that we are presented with instead of the things we don’t have or the mistakes we’ve made in the past. Maybe if we simply allowed joy in – we would find it bubbling up inside of us more often.
Last week’s blog was about goal setting and planning and focusing on those things. I want to be clear that I think planning/goal setting and focus on our goals can be done in congress with living in the moment. Maybe it’s a delicate balance but I’m pretty sure we would have everything we want and need in life if we could just get out of our own heads once in a while. So maybe to be happy, you just need to get out of your own way.
A dear friend of mine has had some big things happen in her life since the first of the year. She adopted a puppy, searched for, found, purchased and moved into her first home, and finally last week accepted a new job. Wow. That’s a lot of big things happening suddenly. One could say she’s lucky – or wonder how she is dealing with all the stress that these things cause. A wise woman once told me that even though some stress is good it’s still stress. But let’s go back to the lucky thing. My friend didn’t just luck into any of this. She’s worked hard for years, made smart decisions, put plans into action and followed through – sometimes, I’m sure, wondering if she would succeed in meeting her goals or finding the right job, house and yes, even puppy.
As we went out to celebrate a bit this past week I found myself not simply proud of her and her accomplishments, but also inspired by her perseverance, determination and continued faith. I know how difficult it can sometimes be to work towards goals – to keep the faith. We have to both believe in something and do the work to allow ourselves to accomplish those goals. We have to stay focused and on task and yet not hold on so tightly that we don’t allow the right things to come to us or evolve. Finally, we have to have a plan. My friend did all of these things and added to that, she didn’t settle for the wrong thing.
I look at this as creating and sticking to your business plan. And if you are thinking that your goals aren’t about your business – well, who says we shouldn’t have some kind of business plan for life. What are our ethics and morals other than a touch point to making personal decisions? In the same way my business decisions should be made based on if they are true to my business model – my personal decisions should be made based on if they are true to my personal code – who I am and how I have decided to impact the world.
Many months ago I wrote a blog called, “we need a plan” – well your wellness decisions – what you eat, how you exercise, your body awareness, how often you have a physical, the methods you employ to handle stress, all of it is your business plan for your body. You cannot accidentally get into shape and I’m sorry to tell you, you can’t accidentally get out of shape. All of your decisions get you there – one way or another. And the decision to do nothing or to ignore your health is still a decision – and perhaps the path to accomplishing a goal you aren’t even aware you have set.
I believe that paying attention to a goal in one area of our lives can actually help us achieve our goals in other areas. Let me explain. I made plans a few weeks ago to meet with a financial advisor. I found myself in the days leading up to this meeting becoming re-focused on my goals. This included my business goals, my financial goals, and my personal goals – and recognizing how intermingled they all are. By simply putting some thought into my finances, I was reenergized. It reminded me that I have to be an active participant and make certain I’m not making decisions that don’t fit my desired end result. I have to think about my goals every day and have faith and perseverance.
I know I’ve said before and will say again that learning to stay in the moment and feeling truly grateful for the things I have instead of fret-full over the things I don’t is both how I live my life and how I have found happiness. I believe in visualization and putting my desires out to the universe. But I also believe the universe expects me to plan for the future and be a mindful decision-maker, so that with faith and perseverance, like my friend, I will achieve all my goals. Or maybe I’ll just get lucky.