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We’re going to talk about sex today. (Mom – I’m on Skype right now – stop reading and we’ll visit instead – this won’t be very interesting anyway.) Okay – so about sex. I was speaking with a beloved client this week and we were lamenting the fact that, as neither of us are in relationships, we aren’t having any sex. We bitched and moaned about it a bit and how unfair it is that there wasn’t a lovely man in either of our lives if for no other reason, than because we each deserve a fabulous sex life. This conversation continued and led to others over the next few days. And my rant began to build –so fasten your seatbelt my friends.
I’ll start by a little piece of information that keeps popping into my consciousness. I’ve heard from about four different sources over the last few months much about the things we need to do in order to live longer and be our healthiest. Sometimes this information comes in the guise of “risk factors” for aging or a shorter lifespan. Other times it’s related to being as healthy as possible. And here and there it’s been associated with women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond and a loss of sex drive. Each time, I’m told to exercise regularly, eat a well balanced and nutritious diet, manage my stress, wear my seat belt, do monthly breast exams (for men have regular prostate exams), be a non-smoker, have no more than one alcoholic beverage a day and get plenty of sleep. I’m also told that I need to have a healthy sex life. And by the way, “Dr. Oz” very specifically states that the “do it yourself” variety does not count.
My frustration level increases each time this information is presented to me. I wear my seatbelt, have never smoked, don’t drink much, eat primarily whole foods, exercise regularly, do breast exams, manage my stress and try to sleep at least eight hours a night. These are things I can control. Do you see where I’m going here?
I’ll layer onto all of that the fact that for years I’ve been hearing from friends and clients that they don’t have sex anymore – women who are in loving, happy, committed relationships. Their reasons range from no sex drive or pain during intercourse to not high enough on the priority list of things to do. I’ve always struggled with understanding this. Now keep in mind that I am not and never have been the mother of an infant and a few toddlers – all of whom want something from me and are hanging on me all day long. But it’s hard for me to imagine sleeping next to the person I love each night and not – well – taking advantage of that. I’ll take it one step further and just say I can’t imagine having no sex drive. But I have had empathy all the same. I encourage them to determine the source of pain or disinterest and get help in fixing it. What I have frequently heard in response to this is – it’s just not that important.
Well guess what? Reread the second paragraph – it is that important – not just to your health, but to the health of your partner too – and I can only imagine it wouldn’t hurt the health of your relationship. But what in the world does this have to do with Pilates? Well, my theory on our body – our muscles – our hearts and our brains is that if you don’t use it – you’ll lose it and that anything worth doing takes practice. So think about this – you have this amazing and beautiful body (don’t you dare try to tell me your body isn’t beautiful) – if you had pain when you used your right hand – you would seek treatment to resolve it — right? If you stopped having any interest in using your right hand, you would look into it – right? If you didn’t have time to use your right hand you would consider reprioritizing – right? I’m just saying.
One of the interesting things I’ve found since I began teaching is the number of clients who come to me and tell me that their sex life has improved tremendously after beginning a Pilates program. This doesn’t surprise me. Think of this – if through Pilates you increase your flexibility, become stronger, feel and see muscles you haven’t before and become more body aware, doesn’t it make sense that sex will be better? I wonder – if Pilates was marketed in that fashion would the whole world finally try it?
Here’s the thing. We have all kinds of excuses in our life. We have excuses for eating horribly. We have excuses for not exercising or getting enough sleep. We have excuses for why we “can’t” do everything that’s good for us. For you, is sex one of those things? If so, what’s your excuse and why aren’t you doing something about it? Maybe it’s like an exercise program – you know – that thing you know is good for you but you just don’t feel like doing? And if it is – think about how great you feel after you’re done – endorphins are pumping, you feel like you’ve done something good for yourself, etc.
So I’ll continue to eat well, exercise regularly, get enough sleep, wear my seatbelt, floss, and work on my stress level. As for you, if you are in a committed relationship – maybe you should just do it. And if you don’t feel like it – for cripes sake – think of those of us without and take one for the team!
I’m feeling a bit reflective this week. It all started with a phrase uttered during a brief phone conversation last week. The individual on the other end had just shared news of a heart-wrenching situation he is in and it set off a train of thought. The phrase was, “it is what it is.”
The first time I heard that phrase it was from a dear friend whose sister was terminally ill. This friend is one of the bravest and strongest people I know and she seems to be given more than any human being could possibly handle – on a regular basis. By that, I don’t mean the dramas we all create in our lives. I mean the things that happen to us and are beyond our control. What never ceases to amaze me is the grace with which she handles everything that is thrown at her. She never falters, she is always positive and she finds joy and happiness in her life even when things are bleakest. She is an inspiration.
She is also someone who never finds her problems to be more important than anyone else’s. I have often heard her say, “just because what you are dealing with isn’t life and death – your stresses and problems are still real and still important.” In other words, she can see past her own crisis and doesn’t trivialize what’s going on in anyone else’s life. Rather amazing if you ask me.
I would imagine if you looked at your own circle of friends and acquaintances you would find you have at least one or two people you’ve known who embody the strength and compassion of my friend. These are individuals who to a stranger seem to have the world by the tail – when in reality, they have experienced things none of us would choose. Yet they soldier on – they don’t allow their challenges to define them. They understand that there are things that they cannot control and do their best not to allow those things to make them bitter or angry. Sure, to their inner circle they may rail against the injustice of the situation – but to the rest of us – it is what it is.
I’m frequently amazed by the strength of the human spirit. Human beings are so resilient – we seem to bounce back, to learn from our mistakes and only get stronger with each new challenge. In fact I think it’s those things that could break us that actually bring out our best. And when faced with those situations, illness, divorce, job loss, death of a loved one – we muster our reserves and find our way. Maybe it’s because we have no control – because our choices are to curl up in a ball or take to our beds or simply stop, that we do the opposite. When faced with “it is what it is” we accept and do our best.
What about the rest of the time? Have you ever noticed that our smaller dramas – the things we want or create – real things but not soul-shattering things can bring out the worst in people? You know what I mean – the little every day stuff that piles up. Perhaps it’s because we aren’t required to muster all our strength, we have less inclination to dig in deep. Or maybe we don’t know how strong, powerful and resilient we are until we are truly challenged.
As a Pilates instructor, I learn things about my clients that the rest of the world doesn’t know. I am often aware of the big and small challenges they face, their triumphs, and disappointments too. And of course I’m aware of their physical challenges and where their bodies are when we begin our relationship. One of my greatest joys is to watch grown up bodies – many of them into middle age and beyond – rebound from years of physical pounding – from accidents and child birth and illness and stresses beyond reason. Week by week these bodies show up – they do the work and they get stronger and stronger. I joke that they are becoming freakishly strong – but really it’s no joke. The power they gain is simply amazing.
One of the things I love about Pilates is that I believe that power – or recognizing we are so powerful can inform every part of our lives. Each one of us has unimaginable strength – we just don’t always call on it. If we did – there would be no challenge we couldn’t meet.
I don’t know about you, but it’s important for me to remember that the minutia in my life is just that – that the real struggles won’t be more than I can handle and that above all else – I am freakishly strong. And guess what my friends – you are too.
I started a new knitting project last night. Before you ask what I’m making – you should know that I have been knitting for about a year now and I only know how to make scarves. This new scarf is tubular, knit with circular needles. This sounds simple enough and the guy at the yarn store insisted it would be “easier” than the long scarves I’ve done in the past. Tonight I’ll be taking it apart and starting over.
I have begun to understand that I’m not a quick learner. I have to try something, muck it up, learn from my mistakes (hopefully the first time) and then begin again. Sometimes I learn the first time around – other times I repeat the same mistake over and over again before I both understand and can do things differently. When viewing myself from the outside, this is more often than not comical. The view from the inside sometimes isn’t quite as funny – but as I’ve gotten older, it no longer surprises me as much.
This pattern is something that used to frustrate and upset me when it came to my body. If you read the blog or know me, you know I’m not blessed with a great deal of coordination. I often explain to clients that I am the opposite of a natural athlete, proving that you don’t have to be graceful or an athlete or dancer to be good at Pilates. One of the things I learned from great Pilates instructors is that I can find the work and do it well. The trick is that I have to learn the movement and become familiar with it first, then find the work. I see the same kinds of frustration with both my clients and friends and acquaintances who are struggling to improve their physical wellness.
My clients somehow think that they should “get it” right away. This is most common in a new client. They walk in, are exposed to something they’ve never done before, are asked to use their body in an entirely different way and then are disappointed because they aren’t Pilates super stars in two weeks. Those who have been at it longer begin to get that they will have good days and bad days and days they “get it” more than others. But they never seem to remember where they started. I have a mental picture of individual strength and flexibility at the beginning of each client relationship that sticks with me. Because of that, I can see the improvements, not just step by step but big picture achievements. The client almost never remembers were they started and they simply lament that they aren’t “better” at it. In reality, they’ve grown by leaps and bounds and have simply moved on to the next level. They also never notice the changes in their body (the way it looks) as quickly as I do. And when I mention it and they tell me that’s not so, we always manage to uncover that their clothes have gotten too big. Mmmm – imagine that.
But part of this entire process is letting go of what they thought they knew and approaching their bodies in a different manner. To say this is hard is the understatement of the century. We are talking about adults learning a foreign language – but it’s really more than that – it’s more like learning that the language they thought they knew is pig Latin and they have to start from scratch.
One of my jobs is to figure out how to teach that language in a manner that allows my clients to hear and understand it in their own bodies. Sometimes that requires undoing everything we’ve tried and starting from scratch.
How can or does this impact you? Well, I dare say we all have some physical achievement we are working towards. Maybe you want to run your first (or 30th!) marathon. Maybe you are still trying to lose that baby weight and feel like your old active self again. Maybe you learned that your cholesterol is not where it should be and you’ve got to change your diet. Maybe you simply have decided to start taking the best care of yourself possible. Whatever the case, if you are finding that it’s taking you longer than you thought to figure out your body, how it works, what it needs and such, do me a favor and try not to become too frustrated. When something isn’t working – unravel that scarf and start from scratch. Learn from your recent experience and start again. I know we think that by 30, 40, 50, 60, or even 70 we should have this figured out – but cut yourself some slack at the same time you persevere.
Now, who wants a scarf? This one should be done sometime next winter.
I have an assignment for you. This week, I want you to live every moment like you just won the Super Bowl. Let me explain…your job is to treat each task completed with a celebration. I don’t mean you need to hoot and holler and pop champagne when you finish the laundry – but a little internal happy dance and jubilant sense of accomplishment and self congratulations couldn’t hurt any.
You made it through the first paragraph and as usual are thinking, “What the hell is she talking about?” Here it is my friends – we don’t give ourselves enough credit for all of our little achievements in life. We have high standards for ourselves and great expectations and we are the first to beat ourselves up when we fail –but we don’t recognize how many times a day we succeed. And frankly – I think that should change. What would it hurt if your internal voice started to cheer you on like you had just won the Super Bowl? Can you imagine if you took each win and made time to celebrate it? I’m not talking about taking the day off work and going to Disney because you finished a proposal – but how about recognizing yourself for finishing that proposal?
It seems to me that we all have never-ending lists of things to do. These lists might be divided into personal and professional, they might be in our heads or on paper, they could be the most mundane or exciting, things we want to do or dread doing but they exist. We have these lists and we drag ourselves through them each week. And if that’s not enough, we generally add to our lists as the week progresses. It can seem like our entire life is made up of things we have to get done. I guess much of our lives are things we have to get done and when we are that overscheduled, overburdened or overwhelmed, many of us inadvertently turn everything into a task that has to be completed. Somehow, “read your child a story” can get mixed up with “pay the bills.” We approach all these things as something that has to get done and we suck the joy out of all of it. It goes back to living in the moment – we lose the moment because we can’t see it for the list.
So my plan is that we start by celebrating each thing that gets checked off the list this week like it’s a Super Bowl win. Hate paying the bills but sit yourself down to do it? Well rejoice in not only having the money to pay your bills –but also in completing the task – something that wasn’t pleasant for you deserves a pat on the back – a victory lap around the coffee table or at the very least a bright pink check off the list! Finish a project at work? Manage that difficult co-worker? Make it to the office on time? Celebrate it. Be proud of yourself and make sure you acknowledge your accomplishment. That’s part one.
Part two is something I think evolves in the process. Part two is play the game like it’s the Super Bowl. In other words, give everything in your life everything you’ve got this week. And I mean everything from tucking your children in and sex with your significant other to your attentiveness in today’s third conference call and that strategy document you are working on. Just really be there and try your absolute hardest. If you do, you cannot help but succeed but you will also feel a sense of pride in your performance.
My clients come to every class with this approach. These are people who have “real” lives – unlike me, Pilates isn’t their job. They spend somewhere around two hours a week doing Pilates and there is not one of them who doesn’t walk into a class and give it everything they have. They show up – not just physically (although let me tell you – that alone is huge!) but they show up ready to work. They are attentive and really listen to everything I say – they dig deep in their own bodies and work as hard as they are capable on any given day. They take the things they learn into their everyday lives and they do homework – yes they do homework! The perform like it’s the Super Bowl every time and I’m sure feel like they’ve just won it when they are done. And they make miraculous changes in their bodies. But change takes time. Rome was not built in a day and I see them – from the very beginning – having a little internal celebration at the end of every class. Heck, sometimes they celebrate at the end of a set of ten just because they “survived” it – but that’s the start of it. They are proud of themselves for getting it done and over time they learn how to work not just hard but smart and they get results.
So start this week celebrating not just your “wins” but also your “got it dones” and let it evolve into trying as hard as if it was the Super Bowl.
“Marcia Polas, you just finished this week’s blog, what are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to Disney!”
Do you have a good imagination? I once heard someone say, “There are people who cannot imagine a world they cannot see.” This struck me as tragic and I swore at that moment not to be one of those people. I realized that I have been imagining a world – my world since I was a tiny girl. I used to put myself to sleep at night by telling myself the story of my grown up life. I would picture it like a movie – the life I wanted to live and repeat it to myself night after night until I fell asleep. I realized recently that I still do this – but now I guess I consider it visualizing my future – imagining my ideal life as if I’m already living it and I find I don’t just do it as I fall asleep at night – it somehow has become a part of my waking life too – I picture my life as I wish for it to unfold and then I invite that life – those things – those people into my present. Sound too hokey for you?
How about this, if you could picture your perfect life, or your perfect body, what would it look like? Can you see it? Do you practice seeing it? I believe we can create the life we want to live. In fact, I believe we do create our lives moment by moment, hour by hour, and day by day. The question is, are you living the life you want or simply the life you created?
Let’s think about this a bit. It seems to me that we have more control over our lives than we sometimes believe. We make tiny, seemingly insignificant decisions every single day that impact us in huge ways. Everything we put in our bodies, every time we move, how we sit, when we go to sleep, how we speak to each other, what we put at the top and bottom of our priority list –all of these things create the life we are living. So doesn’t it make sense that with these same decisions we can create the life we want to live?
You may or may not believe in the power of positive thinking – you may or may not believe in visualization – but you can’t dispute that all of your conscious decisions have an end result that equates to your life.
Follow me for a minute here. Let’s say I eat a bag of chips every night before I go to bed. The result of that extra 1,200 or so calories each day will more than likely be weight gain. Added to that, eating greasy, salty food every night will more than likely result in waking puffy, lethargic and bloated. So my actions change not only my body, but my mood, the way I look and my ability to be active even before I gain the pounds. And all of this impacts how I feel about myself and that impacts how others respond to me.
Now let’s say I spend an hour outside five days a week doing some kind of cardiovascular activity – the result will not just be burning calories, strengthening my heart and building muscle – I’ll also improve my mood with an endorphin boost, be out in the fresh air and sunshine and encourage social interaction in my neighborhood. All of these things will improve how I look and feel and have an impact on all of my other activities and interactions throughout the day.
You see, I have control over deciding to cut out something not as important as my wellness to make sure I make time to work out. I have control over what I choose to put in my body. And finally, I have control over my thoughts. And that is huge. After all, isn’t perception reality? So if I believe something to be true – I’m making decisions (conscious and unconscious) to create that reality. If I believe something can happen – I make decisions that lead me towards making it happen. One good decision leads to another and I set myself up t be open to positive opportunities. I’m creating the life I want to live.
Now I’m not saying that we have control over everything in the universe – we don’t control earthquakes and hurricanes and bad things happen for no reason. We also don’t have control over anyone but ourselves and that means we sometimes have to deal with unpleasant people, made up drama and crimps in our plan. But even in those cases, we have the opportunity to make daily decisions that make those situations better or worse – that allow those things to interfere with the life we want to live or to let those things go and get back to creating a positive life for ourselves.
Now even if you believe none of that – you cannot argue that how you use your body, how you fuel your body and how much sleep you get to refresh your body all play off one another. Exercise and a good diet impact your sleep – a good diet and enough sleep impact your ability to perform physically – and exercise and sleep impact the decisions you make about what you eat (and what you crave).
I’m not saying that I can change my 4’11” frame into that of a six foot tall model’s, but within the limits of my structure, I can build the body I want. And for those of you who insist you have no willpower and that you can’t help but eat off your kids plates or dive into the bag of chips or cookies in the pantry late at night – I have news for you – you are an adult and you don’t have to have those things in your house! You are in control. And then, you are not only creating the life you want to live – but you are impacting in every way possible the life your family lives too.
None of us are going to be on track every minute of every day of our lives. We sometimes let a bad mood, a series of mishaps, or a misstep throw us off our game. The trick is to wake up each morning and again, imagine a world you cannot see and work to create the life you want to live. The funny thing is that if you practice this day after day – one day you wake up living that life – having that healthy body – and in the process all kinds of great things you couldn’t possibly imagine have already become part of your reality.
So I’ll ask again – do you have a good imagination?