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Every woman between the age of 13 and 93 must b e familiar with that now famous line from an episode of “Sex and the City.” It was apparently uttered by a male writer one day in the midst of a bunch of female writers analyzing the actions of a man. It eventually spawned a book and then a movie and I swear – truer words were never spoken.
I’ve been thinking about this line quite a lot lately – not for reasons you might imagine – not due to unrequited love or even a school girl crush. My reasons are related to an acquaintance I’ve had reason to have a great deal of contact with recently. Each time I have an interaction with this individual – something sticks in my craw. You see, as nice as this person is, somehow I get this inkling that they aren’t very fond of me. Not a big deal – everyone doesn’t have to like me. The part that bugs me is a kind of superior attitude or manner which seems aimed at making me feel like I should make excuses for being myself. It probably irritates me more because I’m pretty sure this individual has no clue who I really am, but still feels the need to treat me like a little kid or worse yet, a puppy dog they have to manage.
In the past, this would be the exact individual (fill in: boss, object of affection, and when I was very little even older sister) who I felt I had to either a) change myself to “make” them like me or b) work really hard to “convince” I was worthy of their time, energy or admiration. Interesting because I’m fairly sure that I put much more focus and energy into the people who “weren’t that into” me than I did those who simply liked me for who I am – foibles, idiosyncrasies, irritating traits and all.
Somehow, it’s simply hurtful for someone to just not like you. But why? Well, first of all it shakes our confidence. Maybe it’s because we all have insecurities and those insecurities make us place more value on the opinion of those who don’t like us than those who do.
Here’s the funny thing I’ve been noticing over the last year or so. I’m finding that I’m not so interested anymore in people who don’t like me. I simply don’t feel a need to convince anyone that I’m of value – perhaps because I’ve finally begun to truly value myself. Now this doesn’t mean that I am rude, short (insert joke about my size here if you must), or anything but genuine to those individuals when I need to come into contact with them – after all my Mother raised me to have good manners – but it does mean that I’ve stopped trying to please everyone all the time. The fact is – some people just aren’t going to like me. But the bottom line is – it only really matters if I like myself – foibles and all.
Interestingly for me, it’s never bothered me if a potential client didn’t like what I have to offer – I have always said that I’m not the right Pilates instructor for everyone – but if my style and intensity is right for you, yippee for both of us. I’ve never been willing to try to be everything to everyone when it comes to the thing that is my greatest passion. You see by not working so hard to try to convince the entire world that they have to love or want me for a teacher, I have the time and energy to give everything I’ve got to those who chose to be my students. And I think that’s taught me to be true to myself in other parts of my life as well.
What in the world could this have to do with you, Pilates or your wellness? Well more than you can imagine. I spend so much time with people who feel the need to point out what is wrong with them before anyone else can notice. And I’m talking about really beautiful, intelligent, successful women and men who seem to focus on the things that are “wrong” with them more than all the things that make them wonderful. The fact is that none of us is perfect and we’re not going to like everything about ourselves. But what if our focus through this holiday season was on just being kind to ourselves? What if we spent more time behaving like those people who really appreciate us and less like those who “just aren’t that into” us? The fact is, we are not everyone’s cup of tea. We will not win over every client or nail every job interview or become bosom buddies with everyone we meet. And unfortunately, we get thrown into more situations with individuals who push our buttons or are at the very least less than kind to us during the holidays. So my advice (and we know I always have some) is focus less on pleasing everyone. Spend less energy on the perfect gift or sending greeting cards to everyone you’ve ever met and spend a little more on the only person who really needs to be “that into you” – you.
Do you remember being 18? I can pretty clearly remember 18 or at least my perception of myself now as the child I was then. It’s not a pretty sight. I think I was immature beyond reason and a bit of a twit. I was excited about my life ahead of me and ready to take on the world – but my breadth and wealth of experience was so small it was impossible to actually know who I wanted to be when I grew up. In fact, I think I was well into my 30s when I discovered me – not the me I thought I should be for the world or the me that was expected of me – but the me on the inside.
I’m thinking about all of this today because I had the joy of spending some time this weekend with an 18-year-old who is the complete opposite of me at that age. You see, my oldest nephew, Ben, had a layover in Denver on Saturday as he returned home from a semester at National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS). He experienced what I call “my mountains” and learned to climb, survive without any modern conveniences and a host of other things. He also discovered a passion for things he thought he loved and has begun what I imagine is a trajectory for his life.
It was so incredible to spend even an hour with him. I’m sad to say we hadn’t seen each other in over two years and as impressive as I found him at 16 – he’s 10 times that at 18. He has a sense of himself and it doesn’t seem impacted by what other people think or expect. Now this doesn’t mean he’s self-involved, rude, or a jerk. In fact, the opposite is true. He is extremely polite. He has empathy for others and an interest in the world outside himself. And he has a great sense of humor. But again, he also knows who he is and isn’t trying to be a “pleaser.” He’s simply trying to live his life the best way he knows how. Impressive at any age but especially at 18.
As so many things do, his new adventure and the exciting future spread out ahead of him makes me think of my own life. At more than twice his age, I could think that my most exciting adventures are behind me. I could believe that I am the person I’ll be for the rest of my life – that I’m fully formed. But I know better. I know that unless I fear change, don’t pursue knowledge and growth and close myself off to new adventures – just like Ben – my future is spread out ahead of me and just as exciting as his!
What about you? Are you willing to make changes – to do things that are frightening or new or challenging? Are you open to new people and more importantly to a new you? I would argue that getting old is about stopping and staying young is about embracing life. Sure you and I might have more experience behind us and a few more lines on our faces. We might have a harder time changing our lives due to personal or professional commitments or old habits – but that doesn’t mean we cannot take small steps towards new adventures and a new us. Maybe all we need to do is open our eyes, take a deep breath and just remember the first time we discovered a great passion (and this can be a job, a hobby or a person by the way). Remember the energy we felt – the “oh – wow – this is what people are talking about. How did I go my whole life without knowing about this!”
Now wake up tomorrow morning and throw yourself into something you love. Take on your day with passion and with new eyes and try to approach things in a different fashion. And when those things that draw your energy and steal your joy throw themselves into your path – use all the great life experience you have to remind yourself that this too shall pass and it can only get in your way if you let it. And for goodness sakes – take a lesson from Ben – don’t try to please everyone or be who others think you should be. Live your life – pursue your passions and don’t ever stop looking forward to that next new adventure.
K.I.S.S. – I cannot tell you how many times throughout my business career I heard the acronym K.I.S.S. in relationship to the advice “Keep it simple stupid.” And it always bugged me a little bit. I never really knew why until this week. It has a lot to do with the “stupid” part. What in the world would ever possess any of us to even jokingly refer to ourselves or anyone we were advising as stupid? And taking it further – what in the world would be stupid about simplifying?
It seems that the simpler I make my life, the easier it becomes and the happier I am. But it’s not always easy for me to stay that course – especially when I’m in the midst of new decisions or life changes. This week I had some big decisions to make. Par for the course, I did my due-diligence. Who am I kidding? I over-did my due-diligence. I spent an enormous amount of time and energy investigating all the possible options and situations and fretted more than a little about the right thing to do – the right decision. In the end, taking the simplest route – in fact making a decision that will further simplify my life is the direction I took. And now that I’ve made a decision and have embraced it, I feel a huge sense of relief. But getting there sometimes reminds me of the old Marcia – the woman who lived a very complex and cluttered life and how unhappy all that “stuff” made me.
This seems a great time to discuss simplifying because we are charging into the holiday season full speed ahead. My Sunday paper was filled with advertisements for stuff – holiday decorations, wrapping paper, ornaments, gift ideas, clothing, electronics and the list goes on. It almost makes me hyperventilate to look at it all and imagine the added stress and pressure we all put on ourselves to make a perfect holiday for our families, our friends and even our acquaintances. And I want to shout – Keep It Simple! Just make this season about simple food, simple decorations, experiences instead of stuff and show people how you feel about them in ways that are real – and yes, simple.
My belief is that this is the season when many of us let go of the things that really matter to our happiness. We stop exercising, sleep less, and fill our bodies with food and drink that make us feel less strong and less powerful. We create this vortex of things that are bad for us and expect to be joyful and frequently it simply doesn’t work.
My thought is this. Today, after you read this, make a pledge that you are going to keep it simple. Hold each activity (and thing you “have to do”) up against the idea of simplifying your life and what makes you truly happy. Make a schedule of how you will care for yourself over the next two months – even if that includes a lifestyle change (yes, before New Year’s Day, make a lifestyle change). Exercise in some fashion daily. Breathe. And fuel yourself with simple and healthy food and plenty of rest. Do all of this and I can almost guarantee that you will feel anything but stupid!
When was the last time you tried something new? I can remember some occasions from my childhood when my parents would offer a new food at the dinner table and insist we “just try it.” If you have children, you may utter that phrase frequently and with frustrating results. But do you remember it from your childhood? I’m rather certain that sweet potatoes didn’t taste “just like candy” (as my father insisted), but I know there were a few things they insisted I try – foods, activities and even life approaches that were the next best thing.
I was thinking about all of this last night after a phone conversation with my Mom. You see, I was telling her all about my weekend – and upon reflection, it was all about trying new things – new things I’m very excited about. I had a weekend that included a new restaurant, my first trip to the Colorado Symphony and of all things – black-eyed peas. It’s funny but as an adult, I find I approach new things not with trepidation, but with excitement about finding some great addition to my world.
My results this weekend were a fabulous restaurant that I’ll frequent, entertainment that inspired and gave me great joy, and black-eyed peas. That last of those is rather surprising to me. You see, as much as I love most vegetables, I’m not a huge fan of too many legumes. I love fresh string beans and could eat garbanzo beans every day, but the rest of them – yuck! So this weekend I took a step outside what I know I like or don’t like and came up with a different result. But this could be because I approached the usually distasteful (to me) bean in a different manner (with olive oil and black pepper and baked in the oven). And it made me think about my approach to trying something new. You see, I think I frequently approach new things in a less than conventional way. Kind of the way I approach fitness and wellness in general.
I find my clients doing this same thing. They make an enormous leap to try something new with their bodies and they are “all in.” But the approach is unconventional – or at least not what they’ve known or tried all their lives and it takes a bit of courage and a leap of faith to jump in with both feet. Their results are always positive – even those who determine they won’t continue Pilates for a lifetime learn something about their bodies or themselves. But the truly interesting thing is the wonder in using their bodies differently and starting to shake up their norm. And because of all of this, I’m continuously encouraged to find new ways to work with them – connect with them – and teach them to reach beyond what they know or think they can do. It seems we are on the same path and what they may not know is that something that scares them just a little – probably scares me a lot – but their faith in me and themselves gives me the courage to keep trying and inventing and finding those scary new things.
The next thing that happens for all of us is spill-over. All of these new experiences, spill over into other parts of our lives. We all begin to try new things – foods, activities and approaches to our jobs, our relationships, ourselves. And the results allow us to evolve when as grown-ups we could instead choose to stagnate.
So when was the time you tried something new? How often do you step out of your comfort zone? This week, consider trying a new food, a new approach or even a new way to use your body. Then go for it. Your results are bound to be mixed but you’ll learn more about yourself and you may even find you love black-eyed peas!
(and by the way Dad – I love sweet potatoes but they taste nothing like candy!)
I woke up on Sunday morning a bit amazed by what a difference a year can make. You see, exactly 12 months before I can remember waking to a feeling of resolve at the same time I was experiencing a lack of confidence that I would be able to keep my resolve. I had decided that I was once again going to give up sugar. I did this quite a few years ago and managed to keep it up for about two years (Swedish Fish at the movies with one of my dearest friends knocked me off the wagon that time). From that point forward I managed a few weeks at a time and then two entire months in the summer of 2008. But this time I was serious. I knew I felt horrible when I was eating – or should I say binging – on sugar. I knew that sugar was a trigger to all my bad health habits. But would I really be able to stick to it?
The first few weeks were simply excruciating! I’m not exaggerating either. Every day I had to convince myself to stay away from it. But as the weeks piled up and then a few months, it got easier to stick to my plan. It didn’t hurt that my body had detoxed, making the cravings less powerful or that I had shared this resolve with one friend who checked each Sunday to see if I had made it through another sugar-free week. But it was really the mental part of this that was the key. I had made a decision – I knew it was a good decision for me – and it was simply my choice to stick with it.
Today, I don’t actually even crave the junk I used to put into my body. Chocolate – I’ll pass. Sugary snacks – no thanks. And I didn’t realize how much my mindset and body chemistry had changed until this morning – I actually can only remember how bad I felt after eating the white stuff – I can’t remember any feelings of pleasure or satisfaction from chocolate, candy, or the like.
So why do you care about this? I’m not going to pretend that I don’t think everyone should cut sugar out of their diets. All kinds of studies are out that talk about how bad processed sugar is for your health. But if you are someone who can take or leave it, it’s probably not as big of a deal to you. But I bet you have your own “sugar.”
What is that one step you need to take today to become an active participant in your wellness? Figure it out and resolve to change it. And then (here’s the key), play an active role every day for the next year in keeping that resolve. Not only will you be amazed by your ability to keep your resolve and to make a commitment, but you will also get results.
And one more tip. Tell one person about your plan – one person who will ask you each week if you’ve kept your resolve and cheer you for keeping up the good work. And once you have a few months under your belt, and friends and acquaintances are noticing some change in you, you can share your resolve with others. But start small, trust in yourself to stick to it and don’t make any excuses!
I have quite a few clients who have made Pilates their resolve. They’ve made a commitment and stuck to it. And their results color every part of their lives – from managing stress, to increased muscle tone, to thinking about what they put into and how they use their bodies – but it all started with one decision – a resolve to begin a Pilates practice and (for many) now, more than a year of keeping that resolve, every single week. These individuals inspire and drive me every day at the same time they honor me by allowing me to be a part of their resolve. It’s amazing to watch them change every week, month and year. And even more amazing when I recognize that it’s both as simple and as difficult as making a decision to make a change.
So what is your new year’s resolution? And what are you waiting for – why not let your new year of wellness start today? As for me, I’m just resolved to keep taking the best care possible of myself, every day.